Addict and Alchoholic Manipulation - Part 1
You are playing checkers. They are playing chess
For this article, I will use the term “addict-alcoholic” as an inclusive term for anyone addicted regardless of the substance(s).
If you are the loved one of an addict-alcoholic, please know that 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, they think and plan (consciously and unconsciously) when, where, and how they can use. In short, if you are trying to figure out what your addict-alcoholic is up to, you are playing checkers while they are playing chess. I know this because I am a sober addict and alcoholic (10+ years in recovery), and I did this to my wife. Drinking and using was constantly on my mind when I was “active”.
While writing this piece I came across a fabulous and perfect description of addict-alcoholic manipulation on vocabulary.com under “manipulation”:
“A manipulative person knows how to twist words, play on emotions, or otherwise manage a situation in a sneaky fashion to get what he wants.”
I want to start with a true story about my sister-in-law. She had been with my brother for many years, while he was an active addict-alcoholic. My brother manipulated her badly during this time. When I was about 5 years sober, I would get calls from her with comments like: “Your brother seems off today and when I asked him what was wrong, he said that he just had a lot of stress at work. I want to believe that’s the reason why he is acting the way he is, but my gut is telling me it’s because he is using. I don’t feel confident to confront him about it because I don’t have hard proof.” I would then ask her to give me the details of the interaction she had with him, and I would immediately know what my brother was up to because I did those things too! I became my sister-in-law’s “secret decoder ring” for my brother’s behavior.
As time went on, we had many calls about my brother’s behavior. She eventually said to me: “Obsessive thinking has taken control of me. I have turned into a private investigator on steroids. I’m constantly trying to figure out what he is doing, where he is getting his drugs and alcohol, how much, with whom he is doing them, and how often.” I eventually told her that this was wasted energy because while she was playing emotional checkers, my brother was playing emotional chess.
Remember how I started this article? Addict-alcoholics are driven to think about using 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. How can the family and friends compete with that? The answer is that you can’t no matter how hard you try, and trying will only make you sick too. My sister-in-law could not compete with the emotional chess my brother was playing, and she developed terrible stress and anxiety. Eventually, those negative emotions manifested physically in the form of Bell’s Palsy.
Sadly, the constant stress of living with my brother caused the left side of her face to become paralyzed.
She also told me: “I am questioning my own sense of reality. I am losing touch with my intuition, my gut feelings. I hate the person I have become.” This was all due to my brother’s manipulation.
If anybody gets in the way of an addict-alcoholic’s plan to use, manipulation is the go-to tool for them to get around the block. What constitutes a “block”? It could be that you question them on their using or as seemingly innocuous as you wanting to spend time with them. If they need to go see their drug dealer, or they need to use, how can they do that if you are with them? The solution to their dilemma? Manipulation.
Their manipulation stems from the fear of not being able to drink or drug the way they need to. The fear is rooted in physical addiction (biology) and emotional reliance (psychology) on chemicals to cope with life. If they don’t get what they need, they will start feeling physical detox symptoms. If they don’t get what they need, they will start feeling emotions. The thought of not being able to use activates their “fight or flight” survival response, and they will do whatever it takes to drink or use.
For an addict-alcoholic, manipulation becomes as automatic as breathing, they do it without thinking about it. I have heard this quote many times in recovery meetings:
“I lied so often that it became part of me. I lied even when I didn’t have to.”
The top reasons why addict-alcoholics manipulate are:
Out of fear to protect their ability to use the way they need to, and
Because manipulation works
Almost all human beings manipulate to some degree. The difference for addict-alcoholics is that manipulation becomes a tool which they hone and master. At times the scheme is premeditated, multifaceted and elaborate, and other times it is reactionary and occurs “on the fly.” Some manipulation tactics are outrageous and “in your face”, while other times they are sneaky and below the surface.
This is a fact:
If you are the loved one of an addict-alcoholic, you have been chronically subjected to manipulation.
Why learn about how addict-alcoholics manipulate?
Can you relate to any of these questions?
When it comes to the addict-alcoholic in your life have you ever had feelings of suspicion, confusion, or anger?
When you are around the addict alcoholic, do you find it hard to relax or that you are on high alert?
Do you have this nagging feeling that things are not what they seem with your addicted loved one, but you don’t say anything?
Or, did you say something and they scared you off with anger, or came up with some plausible explanation that still didn’t feel right to you but you let it go?
Do you have any of the physical symptoms of chronic manipulation like difficulty sleeping, inability to relax, constant irritability, or that you feel exhausted all the time?
The addict-alcoholic’s desired result of manipulation is that their loved ones become confused about reality, unable to recognize what is really going on. This enables the addict-alcoholic to keep using the way they are without being called out. Although the addict-alcoholic is only intending to protect their ability to use, for the loved ones like you the long-term manipulation places you in a tangled mess of emotions and twisted facts where nothing seems black and white.
Have you ever had a friend say something to you that felt like “tough love” about the situation with your addicted loved one? To outsiders of the situation who have not been manipulated, the addict-alcoholic’s problem and what they are doing to their loved ones seems obvious. Those beyond the reach of addict-alcoholic’s manipulative influence can think clearly and are baffled how their loved ones are not able to see the reality of the situation.
Here is a fact which may be difficult for you to accept:
Manipulation requires two people: One to manipulate (the addict-alcoholic) and one to allow themselves to be manipulated (you).
If you feel that you are being manipulated and you don’t say anything, you are sending the silent message that you are a willing participant in their manipulation. This sets the stage for more manipulation.
Some great reasons why you should learn about how addict-alcoholics manipulate are:
1. When you allow yourself to be manipulated, you are enabling the addict-alcoholic.
Understanding what type of manipulation is being used, how it works, and how to appropriately respond gives you the ability to disempower the manipulation and stop enabling.
2. Manipulation puts you in conflict with yourself.
When you are exposed to long term manipulation, it causes you to constantly question your gut instinct (intuition) and even what your physical senses are telling you (what you see, smell, or hear). When it comes to dealing with your addict-alcoholic, you don’t know what’s true anymore even if there are obvious signs right in front of you.
3. The ability to identify and disempower manipulation helps you protect yourself from mental, emotional and physical damage.
Long-term manipulation erodes your ability to trust, attacks your self-confidence, and disconnects you from your own intuition. The result for you is constant stress and that stress manifests in you as mental, emotional and physical damage. A word of note on my sister-in-law’s Bell’s Palsy; when my brother got sober and truly sought recovery, it went away!
The key point here is that even though your addict-alcoholic was manipulating only to protect their ability to use, and they weren’t necessarily trying to damage you, the result is that you have been subjected to chronic mind games and it has had a negative effect on your mental, emotional and physical health. This is one of the reasons why addiction is often referred to as a family disease. The end result is that the addict-alcoholic is not the only person who needs healing, you do too!
Note: This post originally appeared in Black Bear - A Medium publication,
