The Shame with Addicts and Alcoholics
It’s a family affair
When I was in high school in the '80s, my dad got sober. My dad dove headfirst into recovery, and I remember my parents discussing what he had learned in rehab and through recovery meetings. My mom was a career Registered Nurse. She seemed to fully accept that alcoholism was considered a disease (the term used at the time) and that my dad was not a bad person for being an alcoholic. So, they both had this intellectual knowledge.
Fast forward about 10 years and my dad was still going strong in recovery. I frequently heard my parents have discussions around addiction and recovery, they talked to each other openly about it inside our house.
My cousin was getting married, and my parents plus 4 of the 5 siblings (including me) were there for it. My oldest brother was supposed to be there but was a no-show. My mom told us siblings and all our relatives that he was absent because he was in the hospital with diabetes.
I came to find out almost 20 years later that my oldest brother wasn’t at the wedding because he was in rehab. In fact, he never even had diabetes. Despite my dad being next to her for all those years as a great example of recovery, she lied to all of us. Here was my mom, a medical professional, with the knowledge that the American Medical Association officially declared addiction a disease, and she just couldn’t seem to tell anyone that my oldest brother was an alcoholic who needed help and was getting it.
Today, with 30 more years of scientific progress on addiction since my mom did that, I continue to see similar behaviors in recovery meetings. Sometimes, I see newcomers who have lost so much because of substance abuse: they’ve been fired, their partner left them, their kids won’t talk to them, all their friends want nothing to do with them. Despite their situation, sometimes they still can’t seem to use the words “addict” or “alcoholic” in reference to themselves. It’s as if saying those words will somehow bring them to a new low.
Why is this?
Shame
Shame comes with addiction, especially with using the dreaded words “addict” or “alcoholic”. Even with the well-known scientific knowledge today that addiction is a disease (or a disorder, whichever term you prefer), the reality is that many people, including the family and friends of addicts and alcoholics, have experienced addiction shame. The shame comes from the bad things they may have done in the grips of addiction. The shame also comes from a deep feeling that despite what science says, they still feel like an addict or alcoholic is a weak or immoral person for falling victim to addiction.
Someone can tell me not to feel shame because addiction is a “disease” or a “disorder”. My head can say, “yes, I agree”. Yet, why do I still feel shame? We will get to the answer to that question further down in this piece.
The key thing here is that despite the intellectual knowledge we have today, you or your loved one with a substance abuse problem may still feel shameful, like a moral failure or a person of weak character. If you can relate to this, know that it is totally normal.
As I interviewed family members and friends of addicts and alcoholics for this project, I noticed many of them had difficulty referring to their addicted loved one with the words “addict” or “alcoholic”. Keep in mind that these people agreed to talk to me because they have been impacted by an addict or alcoholic in their life. Still, some of them were unable to use these words.
One man in his forties I interviewed who has an alcoholic mother discussed how she tries to manipulate him all the time, continues to impact the family with incidents because of her drinking, and how he had to cut her off from seeing his daughter. He still would not use “alcoholic” to describe her. The furthest he would go was to say, “She drinks a little too much wine all the time”.
Knowing intellectually that addiction is a disease or disorder doesn’t mean that you won’t feel shame and embarrassment. A lot of societal shame and embarrassment still exist around addiction, making it difficult for many people to use the terms “addict” or “alcoholic”.
The Tragedy of Shame
The tragedy of shame is that it traps us in a self-imposed prison.
Shame prevents you from helping yourself because the shame keeps you from talking openly and seeking help, allowing the disease (or disorder) of addiction to propagate around you. This applies to the loved ones as much as it does the addict or alcoholic.
Shame prevents you from helping others who may be going through the same thing because you don’t share your life experience with them.
What I want you to know is this:
You have the power to dissolve the shame and embarrassment.
It may take time and work, but you can heal and be free of shame and embarrassment. So, back to the question above of “Why do I still feel shame?” The answer is:
Acceptance
I am not talking about accepting the intellectual knowledge that addiction is a disease or disorder. I can read scientific books and listen to scientific talks on addiction all I want. What I have learned in recovery is that true acceptance is in the heart, not the head. So, try to accept in your heart that addiction does not make someone a bad person, they are not a moral failure or a person of weak character.
Lack of acceptance fosters insecurities over who and what we are. Shame is a protection mechanism which keeps us quiet to protect our insecurities from being exposed. Moving towards acceptance is what dissolves shame, because in acceptance, there are no more insecurities to protect.
When the shame dissolves, we are free. Free to share and help others. Free to help others come to acceptance in their own hearts and help them break out of their prison of shame.
I can tell you that in my recovery journey, shame has been healed within me. I was blessed for this to happen very early in my journey. Without the handcuffs of shame, I became free to be open about what I have been through as an addict and alcoholic. This freedom has allowed me to help many people who would never have known I was somebody they could talk to.
The “Elevator Pitch”
It was January 2015, and I was about 3 months sober. I was at an annual sales meeting for my company in Toronto, Canada. These sales meetings used to be total blowout drinking frenzies for me (hey, the booze was free!). It was the end of the day, and time for cocktail hour. Being so early on in recovery, I decided it would be wise to go to a recovery meeting instead of the cocktail hour.
In the elevator on my way out, a colleague I knew well got on a few floors down. I had my winter coat on, yet the cocktail hour was in the hotel. So, seeing my coat, he asked: “Where are you going?”. I answered: “I’m just going out”. He pressed on: “Well, where? What are you doing?” I caved in and said: “I just got sober and I’m going to an AA meeting.” After that, an awkward silence followed the rest of the way down. As the elevator doors opened, he wished me well, but it was awkward.
One year later, I was in Spain at yet another annual sales meeting and still sober. At dinner one night, a colleague came up to me and said, “Hey, someone told me you know something about this.” He very discreetly (and embarrassingly) showed me an AA meeting schedule booklet. I replied, “I do know something about that. Who told you this?” He looked at me funny and said: “You did! Remember? Last year in that elevator in Toronto?” I had totally forgotten about that quick exchange in the elevator.
He went on to say: “You didn’t know, but I was really struggling with drinking; it was causing problems for me at home. When you shared that you were an alcoholic and you were sober, it was a huge punch in the gut for me. Your timing for sharing that couldn’t have been better; it gave me the strength to try to get sober.” We proceeded to talk about recovery for the next hour, and he even asked me to sponsor him in AA. He was able to accept that he was an alcoholic and has since become sober.
At that time, I still had some remaining addiction shame even though I was in recovery. It made me paranoid that I would be judged by my colleagues. So, I “tightened up” things at work and I didn’t tell anybody after that.
Now, 9 years later, I have made more progress getting over my own shame and embarrassment. The healing has enabled me to write and share these stories to help as many people as I can. My next step is to “come out” on my social media networks, even on LinkedIn, to share these stories. I know this is risky and some people may judge me, but if I am going to help as many people as I can, I must fully break out of my self-imposed prison of shame.
For you addicts, alcoholics and loved ones of them out there, please do yourself and those you may be able to help a favor:
Break out of whatever prison of shame you may be holding yourself in!
Accept in your heart that you are not a lesser person, bad person or immoral for whatever you are ashamed about (this goes beyond addiction). It is so very freeing, and then you can be of maximum service to those who may benefit from your experiences.
What if shame kept me from sharing my experience with that guy in the elevator? Where would he be now? You never know when it might be just the right time to make a difference in someone else’s life.
Note: This post originally appeared in Black Bear - a Medium publication.
